Just Angry

So it's only been 5 days now since I said goodbye. I can't seem to get all this out of my head. I am not saying  I'm going to be over this in a matter of a week or so but I close my eyes and still see her little motionless body on the table. All I kept screaming in my head over and over was get up, just get up. I keep thinking somehow this was my fault. She kept going up and down the basement stairs and outside stairs and I wasn't home to keep her from the huge amount of stairs leading to and from the basement. I wish I could have her back, but know the inevitable would just happen again and I'd be going through this all over. 


I remember the day I picked her out and brought her home. I won't fib I thought I was going to have to strangle her due to her constant peeing. But that sweet little face just drew me back each time. She would look for my car daily as she sat in front of the sliding glass window and when I'd pull up she'd just wag her tail and jump on me as I walked in the door. She always slept between my knees so there was never at time I could sleep with my legs together. We'd snuggle on the couch and she's sleep with me in the bed. 


I went through some rough times and this dog was right by my side. She knew to lick my face when I was crying and to jump and run around the dining room table when we were happy. When she was really excited she went into the NBA jump mode. I know she prevented many people from entering my room with her intimidating growl. She was my protector, my keeper of secrets and more fun then anyone could imagine. She could always bring a smile to my face, however don't get me wrong there were times I could be really angry with her. It wouldn't last long though if I was ever angry. 


Once she got a little bit older when she'd sleep with me she'd have to sleep long ways so her back paws were always pushing me towards the edge of the bed. This is where we'd play musical sides...all night. I loved to snuggle with her even if she was a stinky dog and made everything she touched turn to dirty stinkiness. I was ok with that, I personally got to the point I couldn't smell it anymore and even if I could I'd wouldn't care as this was my baby and loved her for her. 


She watched me go through a divorce, be depressed when my cousin left and moved to TN when we were so close, 1 boyfriend that probably would have been a better friend and a fiasco of a 7 year stint with him and then another relationship that was just down right horrible and should have never happened. I guess that's what I get for having low self esteem. I could see in her eyes though, she wasn't going to let me be until I was happy and a good place in my life. 


She'd go to the cabin with me and family, romp around and sniff all the grass for rabbits and deer and whatever else she could find. The 6 hour drive for her I assume was not the most fun, but she got to see many new rest stops and check her mail. 


 Go back 3 1/2 years ago when I met my now husband Jack. She was still in good condition, happy and knew I had found someone to make me happy. I guess when she knew it was ok to let me go to have him watch over me now and he was going to do a good job, she started her descent as her job to her was done. 


This dog was absolutely a joy to have in my life. No one will replace her ever, no one can come close, but I know she's looking down from heaven at me and wagging her tail and still stinky. However I think she might also be haunting me in a good way to keep reminders around and keep me smiling. I swear we've smelled poop in the house several times when there is none and heard her flap her ears and walking around. 


Hopefully in the weeks to come I can be at peace with what has happened and enjoy all the good times I had with her which were so many I can't even count on hands and toes. 


I love you T.Church Peebody, you are momma's #1 forever and always! I'll see you one day again and we can start over with no endings.