Is this what it's supposed to be?

Well been a while since I've posted or "blogged" if that's what you want to call it. I guess I only do it when I just can't seem to hold it in any longer. It makes it feel better for a few but doesn't completely make all the feelings, emotions and so forth go away. I simply just wish right now I could lock myself in this house and not come out for a while. I'm still trapped in this crappy position and it is literally sucking my emotions dry. Don't get me wrong, there are good days but mostly bad. I feel I never can do anything right or if I do something it's all in vein. No appreciation, no thank you, no hey great job. Just constant you aren't getting this done fast enough, have you answered this, hey great thanks for doing my work for me, I don't like your answer I'm going to shop around. I would get very frustrated when that happened and does happen but the icing on the cake to this whole mental break down happened last week. I thought everything was fine after apologies were said but I came back to this week being weird and awkward like I am 12 and being punished. I know everyone has their ups and downs with their job but this is such a roller coaster and I honestly am a little motion sickness from all the spirals and loop de loops. I won't lie I hate crying I hate it with a passion. I feel like it's such a sign of weakness and others have heard me cry at my lowest and I hated that. Now I just cry because I'm angry and sad. A combo I wish not to have together. What a horrible feeling this is. I've tried for 2 years now to get out of this position but it's always no thanks or no notification at all on that I didn't get that position I've applied for. I sit back and am so confused on how I got here. Is this my punishment for stuff I did earlier in life, kind of my Karma coming back on me? Is it just that I am that horrible of a person no one will save me from this stupid position? I normally try to hide my pain or any type of feelings by humor. I've been at that point where you talk and talk and talk and feel like everyone is thinking shut up! Do something about it! I keep screaming to myself yes shut up, just move with the crowd, go with the flow, nod your head, be someone you aren't.
I think that's where I have the biggest problem when I hear myself say, be someone you aren't. It seems that people see me as hard or cold, it's not that, I just deal with my feelings differently. Maybe it's all the trauma I caused myself years ago that made me this way. I mean I've always been different and yeah a little odd but I can see where people might think I'm mean or angry. I mean maybe I am? You know yeah I am angry. I'm angry I'm sad more and more. I'm angry I bring my work life home with me and can't stop thinking about it and go to sleep thinking of it and wake up already nervous and blood pressure high as a kite. I'm angry that I have health problems which I'm 100% sure this position started. I'm angry I can't get anyone to understand and everyone is so focused on being positive and having the truth take a backseat to being show in the light like it should be.
Should I change? Should I be the yes person and whatever you say person? I don't want to do that but if it will make me less miserable than I am now maybe I should. Then thats just more of me concealing it like normal.

I never thought my life would turn out this way. I thought it would be all flowers and such. Not really but at least daisy's. I didn't even ask for roses or tulips just daisy's. I got one of those weeds that grows so tall and has this really ugly yellow bloom on it. I think that old saying God will never give you more then you can handle saying...I call shenanigans on it. I'm overwhelmed and beyond weighted down. I mean the only thing keeping me afloat is the spare tire around my waist. I want to be satisfied, I'm not even asking for happy anymore. I just want a job I can go to, feel proud to be there, feel appreciated and feel encouraged to move up. I want a place where respect is a mutual thing and I don't have to work with 12 year olds in 20 and above bodies. I also want a place where drama is nipped in the bud before it starts.

I live, eat, sleep work. I don't want to be this way. I simply cannot separate myself from it. I go to bed thinking if I did stuff correctly and if I got to emails and answered them. I wake up sick to my stomach, nervous and anxiety is so bad I feel like it's the first day of school.....daily. I've mentioned it before to people. My brain never leaves my seat at work. I long for that work/home separation. If I could take a pet to work maybe it would be better. I would get great satisfaction to see Victoria poop on someone's shoes or maybe even the cat throw up his food from eating to fast at someone's desk. Also this insomnia I've developed is starting to suck. I just want some sleep. Sleep is good. When I can see everyone else asleep and enjoying it I get jealous. You know that pic of the Jenky shed I posted...that's me daily, wondering how I'm going to get off of it.

I can only hope it gets better or I might have to do something drastic like turn my hair purple, shave the cat totally, refinish my cabinets, redo the bathroom, flip someone off going to work, ninja kick that compact Lincoln.