I remember back in the day when I was in school my dreams of being a Veterinarian or a Radio DJ. I never lost either of those desires, but I got to experience being a intern for a Radio Station and it was exactly as I thought, Wonderful!!! I guess with the horrible twists and turns of relationships and life all together, I lost my drive. I always thought I'd graduate from college move on to huge things. I failed. I went to college for 2 years and after the classes of college 101, I'd had enough. I don't need a tour of the campus, its JCC for goodness sake, its about 2 blocks long. I see all my friends who did go to college and wonder if I had of finished, would my life be any different? I see some of my friends who didn't go and they seem to be doing awesome. By all means don't get it wrong, I've comfortable, very comfortable as all I do really is save and save and spend on our date nights and maybe a few other little things here and there. I just was always so afraid of living pay check to pay check and just can't do that so I guess I hold on to my money, pinch penny's and sell things when I feel I'm at that level that is no longer comfort. Some call me odd, some call me crazy, I call it prepared.
I feel I'm at that stage where I've passed my chance at doing something big. I strive and strive to be the best I can be and yet somehow I feel it gets over looked. I got told the other day that I was so passionate about my job. Maybe that's my problem, I take so much pride in it and have such a hard work ethic that when others don't I don't understand. Maybe I should be one of those who does just enough but not more then needed. I took on a team of 12 brand new people and a a supervisor who is a great guy just didn't know about anything we do only reports and had to train him as well. I worked overtime, I've taken my work home (still do at times) I've stressed, I've cried & I've had more than 1 nervous break down all for what? Exactly for no one to notice. I try to get ahead in the company and it either leads to a wall or someone else I feel is going to look at me and sweep me under the rug once I start for them.
I usually am a sarcastic smart ass. However there are days I feel completely defeated. I try to hold it together and tons of people can tell when I'm frustrated and some just cant. It's fine, I don't expect you to. I think I've gotten to a point now where I'm just so angry at times I can't see life for what it is. It's supposed to be a joyous time, not necessarily easy or give me's but is it always a position I'm to be stressed and upset? I just want a place to be happy, not as stressed and who gives to craps about my worth to their company.
I don't think anyone can realize how much of an asset I am. I might sound cocky and that's fine, but I hold my jobs at high standards and when I see others just breezing by and nothing, it angers me. I second guess myself all the time don't get me wrong, but if I didn't know what I was doing, I wouldn't be where I am now. I guess what I need back is my sanity. I'm frustrated, sooooo frustrated. There are days I leave work and think to myself, I know they said they have a degree and this person says they have a Masters, but did they wasted their money on that as they are dumber then a box of rocks. I literally feel like a genius walking out of work sometimes. However, there are tons of people there who lost out on common sense. I wanted to vent a tad bit because I find it therapeutic and plus I don't want to Facebook post it like others I know who seem to whine whine and fish for compliments or those who just seem to complain no matter where they are, who they are with or what they've done to move from what they thought was a bad place to just find out where they are sucks just about as much as home did. I prefer to make myself seem ok, whine to a smaller crowd and then move on and go back to being the Amy people are used to. I have my days, don't think I am completely normal, because those who know me, know I'm not and that's ok. Would I really be Amy if I was "normal?"
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